The sun was setting, and it was time for students to start their evening self-study after dinner, but Xia Yi was running around lap after lap on the school track.
She felt a desperate need to figure something out, yet she couldn't pinpoint what it was. Everything seemed to obstruct her—her auditory hallucinations, anxiety, the flashbacks, loss of consciousness, and perhaps even herself.
But she had to figure it out.
"Why did you suddenly come to school?"
Xia Yi suddenly heard Nie Qingzhou's voice. Her favorite boy, dressed in his blue and white school uniform, ran up to her on the track. He overtook her slightly and then effortlessly turned back to run backwards—a familiar habit of his when they ran together.
His hair flew with his strides, and his beautiful brown eyes looked at her.
"Nie Qingzhou."
"What's wrong?"
"Why did you lie to me?"
Nie Qingzhou smiled, revealing his dimples. "How did I lie to you? You never asked me if I was the real Nie Qingzhou, and you never asked me where I came from. I didn't lie to you."
"But every time I had doubts, you said you calculated it."
"Did you believe it?"
"No."
"Since you didn't believe it, how can you say I lied to you?" Nie Qingzhou's expression and tone were relaxed.
Xia Yi looked at Nie Qingzhou who was smiling in the setting sun, it looked too good, so much so that she wanted to believe him for a fleeting moment.
But as this thought arose, she heard her own questioning voice.
"Is it not a lie if you don't say it out loud? I believe in everything about you, in the time we've been through together. Even in an illusion, I feel that you are the most real part of this world."
After a pause, she said word by word, "But you are not, you are fake."
The smile faded from the boy's lips, his brow furrowed. He said a little angrily, "Why am I fake? Are you questioning my sincerity? Do you think I'm acting? Do you think I am not being sincere with you?"
Xia Yi slowly shook her head. "No, I don't think you're acting. But even playing a game, completing a task, requires time and effort. One can still develop fondness and give it their heart, right?"
She pointed to herself, then to him. "But a character in a game and a person outside of it are ultimately different. You and I are different."
"What are you so conflicted about?" Nie Qingzhou's voice turned completely cold, his face expressionless.
She had never seen this cold, harsh side of him before.
It turned out that Nie Qingzhou could be so cold. She had never seen it before.
Xia Yi's eyes trembled. She whispered, "I live in an illusory world. My joys, sorrows, anger, and happiness are just part of a script… and you're trying to… become the director of my life."
"Why would you think that? Why are you so cold and heartless, like a machine! Be honest, you don’t even like me, do you?!"
Nie Qingzhou suddenly flew into a rage, angrily accusing her and shouting, "Can't you just pretend you don't know anything and live happily with me? I said I'd never be disappointed in you, and you've always exceeded my expectations. Can't you be like me?"
Xia Yi froze, hurt by his accusations. She shook her head and said in a trembling voice, "No, I really like you very much. I want to be with you. I am very happy to be with you."
"But now I'm scared… Nie Qingzhou, my head hurts so much. If this continues, I'm afraid I won't be able to distinguish reality from illusion. If I start deceiving myself… I feel like I'll fall in and never escape."
"I'm afraid that even my feelings right now are fake. I actually feel disappointed, angry, and resentful. Seeing you makes me feel pain. Why do I feel this way? How can I feel this way towards you? I clearly, clearly like you so much."
"Aren't these thoughts terrifying? Would you be hurt if you knew? The doctor said… being sick would make me have a lot of false emotions… paranoia… anxiety… aggression… I might hurt people around me… I don't want to hurt you…"
Tears slowly welled in her eyes. She whispered, "I really want to figure this out and stay. But if I do figure it out… it feels like I won't be able to stay. Nie Qingzhou, can you tell me what to do?"
You must know.
You're always so perceptive and gentle. You always understand the world and yourself so clearly. I can always find answers with you.
You said love is desire and happiness.
You said we don't need violence to solve problems, and we don't need to please others to earn respect.
You said that we just have to hug them and then say sincerely that we love them very much and that would be enough.
Can you give me another answer, just give me a good one like you used to? You said when my thoughts are chaotic, I should go for a run, and I'll figure it out after a run. But I've been running for so long, and I'm exhausted. It's still not working. I can't figure it out.
"Give me another answer. What should I do…"
Xia Yi supported herself on her knees and lowered her head, her hands trembling on her knees. Drops of water began to appear on the ground, more and more, like rain falling.
She was suddenly hugged hard in her arms, the kind of hug that seemed like it was going to melt her into her bones and blood, and the scent of mint filled her senses. Xia Yi froze, hearing a faint voice, as if coming from far away.
"Xia Xia? Xia Xia! Can you hear me?"
Xia Yi slowly raised her head and saw Nie Qingzhou's face, flushed red by the setting sun. His eyes were also red-rimmed, his lips trembling, completely different from the ease he had just shown. He was wearing a white T-shirt, while the Nie Qingzhou just now was wearing a school uniform.
Xia Yi said in a daze, "Just now... was it my hallucination?"
Nie Qingzhou stroked the back of her head and whispered, "Yes, it was a hallucination."
"Are you real?"
"I'm real."
Xia Yi's eyes and voice trembled as she asked, with near despair, "Are you truly real?"
Nie Qingzhou was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Can you… no longer trust me?"
Xia Yi remained silent.
"Does seeing me cause you pain? Does everything feel fake?"
Xia Yi suddenly hugged him tightly, as if afraid that he would leave. But as she did so, she nodded.
Suppressing the sadness in his voice, Nie Qingzhou softly whispered in her ear, "I heard everything you just said."
"Xia Xia, listen to me. If you can't figure it out, don't think about it. Leave this place, leave me, forget everything you saw, take good care of yourself, and live your life without me. When the day comes when you find peace, when seeing me no longer causes you pain, come back to find me. I'll wait for you."
Xia Yi hugged him tighter. She gritted her teeth and refused to agree to him.
Nie Qingzhou patted her back and said softly. "Please trust me one more time. Trust me this last time."
After a long silence, Xia Yi finally spoke, her voice trembling with tears. "…Okay."
Nie Qingzhou never imagined their separation would begin like this.
When Xia Yi disappeared that day, Jiang Yuanyuan and Xia Yan were anxious and they called Nie Qingzhou. When Nie Qingzhou heard that someone had seen Xia Yi running in the playground, he rushed over.
By the time he arrived, Xia Yi was already talking to herself, surrounded by frightened students. He pushed through the crowd and reached her, hearing her say—Is it not a lie if you don't say it out loud?
He was stunned for a moment, then he looked down and saw the gray notebook in her hand.
He felt his blood freeze, his mind went blank, and he had no words to defend himself. She was crying so sadly. She rarely cried; he had only seen her tears when Uncle Xia and Grandma Xia passed away.
Even then he had never heard her say such grievous, so helpless and desperate words.
He was the one who made her like this.
All the explanations he had to give stuck in his throat like knives, as they were of no use other than making himself feel better.
Even without his explanation, she was already trying to convince herself, using her strong personality and thinking to frantically fight against her love and attachment to him, hurting herself to the bone.
In the end Nie Qingzhou walked over and hugged her, giving the best answer he could think of in such a short period of time.
Don't suffer like this. Don't torment yourself.
Give up on me.
For years afterward, Nie Qingzhou dreamt of the day Xia Yi left.
It was a very hot day, the sun was scorching hot, burning the skin. Xia Yan helped Xia Yi move her luggage into the trunk of the car. They planned to drive directly to Shanghai and take a flight from there.
Jiang Yuanyuan held an umbrella over Xia Yan, who brushed it off irritably, saying boys don't need such pampering. As he spoke, he took the last piece of luggage from Xia Yi.
Nie Qingzhou watched them from afar and couldn't help but smile, but it only took a moment for it to turn into melancholy.
Xia Yi wore a light purple T-shirt and gray sweatpants, the same outfit she'd worn last summer when they huddled in the store eating watermelon.
The sun shone on her, the wind blew her hair across her cheeks, her eyes were dark and deep, devoid of light. Xia Yi raised her head, looked around and immediately saw him standing at the end of the street.
She looked at him silently for a moment, then suddenly ran towards him. She ran along the gray brick sidewalk, floating like a gust of wind. She was getting closer and closer to him, but her steps were getting slower and slower.
Finally, she stopped three meters away, silently looking at him.
The sun shone warmly on her, her fair skin seemed to shine, but Nie Qingzhou could only feel a fiery pain.
"Have a safe journey." He said softly.
Her eyes trembled but she still didn't say a word, as reserved as she had been when they first met.
Then, keeping her eyes fixed on him, she slowly backed away, further and further, until she finally turned and returned to Jiang Yuanyuan and Xia Yan, getting into the car with them. Nie Qingzhou watched the car start and drive away, its black form shimmering and distorting in the heat waves rising from the road, eventually disappearing near the shimmering ocean.
The journey they used to make by bicycle, taking so long, was over so quickly by car.
As the car disappeared from sight, Nie Qingzhou stood frozen there. His long-suppressed emotions suddenly lost control, yet he was unable to express them as if they were blocked.
Numbly, turned his head and looked towards the door of the convenience store.
The store, which had been sold to someone else, had its door locked and its sign taken down. There were piles of cardboard boxes at the door, waiting for the waste collector to pick them up.
He walked over and opened the top box. Inside were shredded pieces of paper, Xia Yi's scribbled drawings from her period of self-isolation were torn into pieces and placed in the box jumbled together.
He was stunned, and remembered Xia Yan mentioning how Xia Yi often stayed up late these past few nights, and the sound of tearing paper could be heard from the room.
He stood in silence for a moment, then carried the box upstairs to the balcony. Spreading out the shredded pieces, he began matching and piecing them together.
He didn't know why he was doing this. He just felt like he had to do something now.
As he finally completed one sheet, he noticed water stains blurring the ink. So he searched in the pile of shredded paper for a long time and found many shredded papers with such marks.
She was crying while she was tearing the paper, and she cried for a long time.
This realization pierced his heart like a thorn. Nie Qingzhou suddenly stood up, picked up the gray notebook on the table, and tore it into pieces as if venting his anger. The so-called fate and prophecy fluttered up like snow and scattered all over the ground.
He collapsed onto the pile of shredded paper, covering his eyes with his hands. Tears flowed from between his fingers and fell on the paper, smearing the ink again.
He whimpered softly.
All destinies, all trajectories, all the opportunities given to you to meet the love of your life, come with a price.
This day marked the first day of eight long years.
During the summer after Xia Yi left, Nie Qingzhou went to the provincial capital. At a familiar location, he saw his younger self walking and chatting with friends in the distance. As long as he crossed another street, he would be standing in front of 'Zhou Bin'.
As he crossed that street, he was struck by a car with faulty brakes.
It was three days later when he woke up in the hospital. What he saw were the anxious faces of Nie's father and mother. He stared at the ceiling for a long time, then let out a bitter, ironic laugh, and covered his eyes.
He seemed to hear the mocking laughter of fate, deafening and inescapable.