Xia Yi's memories of her father always came from a child's perspective, looking up.
From this angle, her father had a light stubble of beard, tall and strong, with a hearty laugh that often filled the air. He loved to have Xia Yi hang on his arm, effortlessly lifting her up and spinning her around, laughing and asking if she was having fun.
Xia Yi's father's arms were very strong. She'd heard that when he was young, he was frail, so her grandmother let him learn boxing to improve his health. He gradually grew stronger and never got sick again. Because of this, he began to teach Xia Yi some fighting skills when she was a child, so that she could exercise and defend herself.
—Dad can't always be by your side. You have to learn to protect yourself. If someone hits you, you must hit back. Don't let them think you're easy to bully!
Back then, her father would say sternly, while correcting her movements.
Sometimes, Xia Yi would catch her father secretly watching fighting matches on his computer. When discovered, he would 'shh' and look around to see where her mother was.
"What's this?" She'd ask her flustered father.
He would close the computer and whisper, "Pride Fighting Championship… Don't watch this. Don't tell Mom, okay?"
"Does Mom not like you watching these fights?"
"Yeah." Her father would bend down, wink, and say, "The most important thing in our family is to make Mom happy, right?"
Her father always said that her mother was the top priority in the family, and they couldn't upset her. So Xia Yi would nod and say, "Right."
Back then, her father was as cheerful as a big boy. However, from a certain day onwards, his cheerfulness and sunshine gradually dimmed. He became increasingly busy, often frowning and smoking, like a string stretched tighter and tighter, until the day the police came to the door, and everything collapsed.
In court, her father was unshaven and dejected. Xia Yi felt like that person was a stranger, as if they were different people inhabiting the same body.
Xia Yi couldn't understand why her father had committed a crime and gone to prison.
Just like years later, she couldn't understand why her father died suddenly.
She and her grandmother watched the surveillance footage and saw her father's body. The footage clearly recorded the sudden onset of his illness. There were no injuries on his body, only an expression of pain on his face.
She remembered that every time she visited her father, his complexion was poor, filled with guilt and dejection. He sighed constantly, his whole body appearing fat due to edema.
Could regret and loss really crush a person? Her father, who she remembered as tall and strong and who never seemed to show weakness, would also fall.
Xia Yi held the urn, and sat next to Grandma Xia on the bus home. The driver almost didn't let them get on, and it took Nie Qingzhou pleading with him for a long time before he relented. The other passengers avoided them, sitting as far away as possible.
Xia Yi looked down at the yellow cloth-wrapped box in her arms. It was hard to imagine that such a tall man was reduced to so little ash, contained in such a small box.
The father lost his future, lost his pride, and thus gave up his wife and his children. And finally gave up on himself.
She knew her father felt guilty all these years, but she never blamed him. When her father was doing well, she had the best clothes and toys, and was pampered by him. When he hit rock bottom and suffered, it was only natural that she would also experience hardship.
Isn't that what the family is all about?
She had thought that when her father returned, everything would be alright again
She had long since learned to protect herself. She fought back against anyone who bullied her or her little brother, Xia Yan. She ignored all who pointed at her behind her back.
She let her mother go to a better place, and her mother was happy now.
She did everything she could, fulfilling her father's wishes.
Yet the one who entrusted her with those wishes never returned.
Grandma Xia cried until she was exhausted, but Xia Yi didn't cry. She just silently supported Grandma Xia with Nie Qingzhou as they slowly walked back to the small shop from the bus stop, helping her lie down on the bed to rest. When Grandma Xia finally fell asleep from exhaustion, Xia Yi tucked her in, picked up the urn, and walked out of the room, placing it on the only small desk in their home.
The desk had an oak-colored top. It was very clean, with only the lonely, yellow cloth-wrapped box sitting on it.
Nie Qingzhou stood quietly beside her, looking at the box.
Xia Yi whispered, "It's so light."
Her father used to be able to lift her up with one arm and spin her around.
How could he have become so light, a handful of ash she could hold in one hand?
Nie Qingzhou turned around, pulled Xia Yi towards him, held her in his arms, and said softly, "Cry, Xia Yi, cry. You've done so well. It's okay not to be so strong."
These words were like opening a hole in a dam filled to the brim.
Xia Yi froze, then began to tremble uncontrollably. She tightly clutched Nie Qingzhou's shirt, covering her eyes with her other hand, slowly sinking down, curling up her body.
Nie Qingzhou squatted down with her, hugged her shoulders tightly, feeling her tears soaking his chest. Xia Yi trembled all over, letting out very soft, suppressed sobs.
She always thought she was unfeeling, too cold.
This was the first time she heard someone say, "You're just too strong. It's okay not to be so strong."
Xia Yi's father's death dealt a heavy blow to Grandma Xia. After his burial, she remained listless, and even her memory began to get confused.
She would always wake up very early, sitting in a daze on the chair in front of the small shop before dawn. When she saw someone coming, she would ask if they had seen her son, saying he had gone out to play and hadn't come back, and she was very worried.
Grandma Xia would ramble on about how her husband and her other son and daughter had all died of gas poisoning, and she only had this one son left, what would she do if she lost him?
The neighbors initially found it weird, but after hearing about Xia Yi's father's death, they were saddened. Some coaxed her, saying, "Your son is doing big business in Yuping. He'll earn money to support you in the future."
Grandma Xia became confused. When Xia Yi ran out to see her, she was puzzled for a moment, then suddenly recognized her, asking in surprise, "Xia Xia! Why are you here? Where's your mother? Didn't she take you to school?"
Xia Yi stood in front of Grandma Xia, wanting to speak but stopping herself. Finally, she just squatted down and said, "It's a holiday today. I came to see you."
Grandma Xia's memory sometimes lingered on Xia Yi's father's childhood, sometimes jumping to Xia Yi's elementary school days. The period between Xia Yi's father's imprisonment and death became a blank. She was like a child, acting on whatever came to mind.
Xia Yi had to take time off school to care for her grandmother. Nie Qingzhou also took leave shortly afterwards, staying with her at Xia's house every day to look after Grandma Xia.
At night, after putting Grandma Xia to sleep, Xia Yi whispered to Nie Qingzhou, "You should go back to school. We don't know when Grandma will recover. Taking such a long leave will affect your studies."
"I self-studied in my first year of high school too so you don't have to worry about me. Grandma Xia treats me like her grandson. It's only right that I take care of her."
Xia Yi, who never lied or flattered anyone, now had to lie and coax Grandma Xia every day. It pained Nie Qingzhou to see this.
But he had deeper worries.
He had been puzzled before about why Xia Yi went abroad at the end of the second semester of her second year of high school. Grandma Xia and her father were still here. Given Xia Yi's personality, it was impossible for her to abandon them and go with Jiang Yuanyuan.
Since learning about Uncle Xia's death, all the clues had gradually become clearer. Nie Qingzhou suddenly realized that it was probably not her who abandoned them, but they who abandoned her.
Various speculations filled him with trepidation. Looking at the childlike Grandma Xia, he sincerely hoped his guesses were wrong.
He didn't know if he could change anything, but all he could do was try his best.
Nie Qingzhou and Xia Yi took turns caring for Grandma Xia, making sure someone was always watching over her. Grandma Xia no longer recognized Nie Qingzhou, but occasionally she would look at him and call out Xia Yan's name. Both Nie Qingzhou and Xia Yi would play along.
Sometimes she would happily talk about her husband and the dresses she made, and other times she would angrily talk about Xia Yan's illness and Jiang Yuanyuan's irresponsibility.
When Xia Yi carefully mentioned her father's imprisonment, Grandma Xia immediately reacted violently, saying Xia Yi was lying. At this time, she didn't even recognize Xia Yi. She felt that there was a stranger in front of her who was slandering her son. She even raised her hand to hit Xia Yi hard.
Nie Qingzhou immediately hugged Grandma Xia from behind, soothing and comforting her. When Grandma Xia got tired of tossing and turning, she looked up at Xia Yi with a panicked look on her face, "Xia Xia, what happened to your face? Who hit you?"
Xia Yi covered her face and said, "Nothing, it's fine."
The quietest time of day was after Grandma Xia fell asleep. In the deep night, Xia Yi and Nie Qingzhou sat exhausted in Grandma Xia's room. Nie Qingzhou took some ice cubes from the freezer, wrapped them in a cloth, and applied them to Xia Yi's face.
Xia Yi silently lowered her eyes, and alarming purple-red bruises were visible under her thick eyelashes.
Grandma Xia had always been very loving towards the younger generation and had never hit Xia Yi before. This was the first time she hit her. Perhaps in Grandma Xia's mind, she only hit a hateful stranger spreading rumors, not her beloved granddaughter.
Nie Qingzhou put his hand on Xia Yi's shoulder and patted it gently.
Xia Yi leaned forward and rested her forehead on his chest.
Nie Qingzhou desperately wanted to tell Xia Yi that it was okay and everything would be alright. But at this moment, he couldn't bring himself to offer such comfort.
Grandma Xia remained in this state for a week. One day, she got up in the middle of the night and never came back, suddenly disappearing.
Xia Yi and Nie Qingzhou frantically searched everywhere, even ran to the police station to report her missing. Towards evening, someone finally reported seeing the old lady at the Yuping Railway Station. The old lady said that she was going to pick up her son, who was in college.
They rushed to the Yuping Railway Station, searching through the crowds for a long time before finally spotting Grandma Xia sitting on the steps at the station's entrance.
She was wearing her black floral jacket, holding her floral cloth bag, huddled up a little uneasily on the high gray steps, avoiding the passing people.
As soon as Xia Yi saw her, she looked up and shouted, "Grandma!"
Grandma Xia immediately looked around and saw Xia Yi standing in the square. She seemed momentarily confused. But she soon smiled and responded kindly, "Xia Xia!"
She stood up shakily and started walking forward, as if she hadn't seen the steps in front of her.
Nie Qingzhou's eyes widened. He shouted urgently, "Grandma! Steps!"
But he shouted too late.
The large clock hanging high above the Yuping Railway Station reached the hour and chimed loudly, like the bell of fate.
Under that huge clock, Grandma Xia missed a step and fell forward, rolling down the long flight of stairs, leaving a glaring trail of blood. When Xia Yi and Nie Qingzhou caught her, the blood from the wound on her forehead had already stained her entire face red. Her gaze was vacant and unfocused, her hand still tightly gripping her floral cloth bag.
"Grandma… Grandma…" Xia Yi knelt before her, holding her hand, trembling as she called out to her.
Grandma Xia responded with difficulty, "Xia Xia…"
Then Grandma Xia looked at Nie Qingzhou and actually recognized him, whispering, "Xiaozhou…"
"Yes, it's me." Nie Qingzhou replied quickly.
"Right… I still need to make Xia Xia… a beautiful dress…"
Grandma Xia looked up at the sky and murmured, her voice becoming softer and softer. Her lips trembled and tears flowed from her cloudy eyes, diluting the blood on her face. Then the aged, yellowed eyes closed, and her withered hands loosened the floral bag.
Her memory remained fixed at a time when her son had not yet passed away. This was perhaps Grandma Xia's last bit of stubbornness.
Xia Yi stared at Grandma Xia in a daze. The glaring blood on her face overlapped with something else in her mind. In the world bathed in the setting sun, everything seemed to be bright red, rushing into her eyes. Xia Yi turned around and supported herself on the ground, retching uncontrollably. The blood on the ground stained her hands red, like a terrible nightmare.
Nie Qingzhou called 120 while supporting Xia Yi's shoulders. A dense crowd surrounded them. When he looked up, he saw the large sign, 'Yuping Station' under the setting sun.
"—I hate railway stations the most."
His heart trembled. At this moment, he finally understood.