It was Sunday noon. The golden autumn sunlight filtered through the leaves of the sycamore trees, and the aroma of home-cooked meals drifted through the residential area. In the living room of an apartment on the second floor, Jiang Yuqian excitedly grabbed Nie Qingzhou's hand, leaning against a white piano.
"Brother, I watched the last episode of the reality show last night! When I saw you guys hugging in the fountain square, my blood sugar skyrocketed, and I spun around and jumped on the spot! It was so sweet... wooo... so sweet! Who would have thought that Nie Qingzhou is my brother and Xia Yi is my sister-in-law? How can my brother and sister-in-law be so sweet? Brother, you must treat Sister-in-law well. I can stay single for life, but you must be together forever!"
Nie Qingzhou was both amused and exasperated. He put a finger to his lips, reminding her, "Xia Yi is still sleeping inside. Keep your voice down."
Jiang Yuqian glanced toward the bedroom door, which was tightly shut, and nodded quickly with sparkling eyes.
"Brother, do you have any behind-the-scenes sweet moments to share with me? The kind the other viewers don't know about but I get exclusive access to? Please please please!"
Nie Qingzhou pondered for a moment, then smiled and replied, "When Xia Yi was performing in Tokyo, we went to Fuji-Q Highland.”
Jiang Yuqian gasped. "Isn't that... the place Zhou Wenwen and Ji Ying planned to go?"
"Yes, we went with Zhou Wenwen and Ji Ying."
Jiang Yuqian covered her mouth, her eyes sparkling. "Oh my god, oh my god! My Zhou-Ji couple! They're real too! This is a double date, right!"
Nie Qingzhou smiled without answering, which was tacitly acknowledging it.
Jiang Yuqian swayed from side to side, sighing repeatedly, "My cousin is the CP I ship. This is too good. There's no shortage of sugar at all..."
As she spoke, Jiang Yuqian frowned. "Oh, there's just one thing that's not so good..."
"What is it?" Nie Qingzhou asked, puzzled.
“Last night, I saw how the fountain water drenched you guys in the show. Your body lines… as an art student who ships couples, I really wanted to draw something a little... spicy.”
Nie Qingzhou nearly spat out his coffee and burst into a coughing fit, his face turning red.
Jiang Yuqian sighed and said, "But when I think about it being my brother and my sister-in-law, I'm condemned by my sense of morality, and I can't bring myself to do it..."
"..."
Thank goodness she still has a little sense of morality.
Nie Qingzhou shook his head helplessly. He put the coffee on the table, glanced at the time, and said, "He should be here soon. How have you been getting along with him lately?"
Jiang Yuqian chuckled and raised her hand, making an 'OK' sign. She said confidently, "I've got him completely under control. Although this kid has a bad temper and threatens to punch me and yell at me at every turn, it's all bluffing. As long as I pretend to cry, act pitiful, and act spoiled, he immediately wavers. I’m just using the same tricks I used on you back in the day, it works every time….”
Nie Qingzhou narrowed his eyes.
Jiang Yuqian's voice trailed off. She immediately sat up straight and said with a dry laugh, "No, no, no, it's just a strategy... Anyway, I've been watching him during this time, and he hasn't caused any trouble in his life. Although this kid has a bad temper, he's very trustworthy. He promised me that he would come to your house for dinner, so he will definitely come."
Since the reality show aired, the attention Nie Qingzhou received had been steadily increasing. Now, he was always recognized when he walked down the street and could no longer casually go to restaurants for meals, so he had invited Jiang Yuqian and 'Zhou Bin' to his home.
As they were talking, the doorbell rang. Nie Qingzhou walked over and opened the door, and saw a refined but sour-faced, handsome man standing in the hallway, squinting at him.
"You're here. Please come in." Nie Qingzhou said, gesturing for him to enter.
Zhou Bin frowned, swinging his arms as he strode into the foyer. His expression didn't look like he was visiting someone's home; it was more like he was there to cause trouble.
"Why aren't you wearing your glasses? I'm nearsighted, three or four hundred degrees. Can you see clearly without your glasses?" Nie Qingzhou took out a pair of slippers from the shoe rack and handed them to him. Zhou Bin replied grumpily, "Too lazy to wear them."
He couldn't get used to wearing glasses. He would reluctantly wear them when he was working, but during his lunch break, he would rather not be able to distinguish between humans and animals than wear glasses.
Nie Qingzhou sized up the 'Zhou Bin' who was bending over to change his shoes. This new Zhou Bin was wearing a gray casual shirt and a knitted cardigan. His clothes were very clean, but wrinkled. His hair was trimmed on time, and it didn't block his eyes, but it was a little messy now. He gave off a strange feeling— caught somewhere between neat and messy.
Nie Qingzhou asked nonchalantly, "You haven't contacted me during this time, so I wanted to meet you and chat. How have you been? Are you still adapting to work?"
Zhou Bin glanced at Jiang Yuqian next to him and said coldly, "Why would I contact you? Isn't she reporting everything to you?"
"What about work?"
“Got into a fight with your supervisor, screwed up a bunch of tasks. Now they don’t even dare assign me anything.”
Nie Qingzhou turned his head to look at him and smiled slightly. "It seems like you're adapting quite well, much better than I expected."
Zhou Bin always seemed to forget that Nie Qingzhou was the person who knew him best in the world, knew that he liked to say the opposite of what he meant, and that he was currently competing with himself.
From the beginning of his annual leave until he went back to work, Zhou Bin had not contacted Nie Qingzhou again. When Nie Qingzhou called him, he also seemed very impatient. But even though he knew that Jiang Yuqian was 'monitoring' him and reporting to Nie Qingzhou, he only resisted symbolically before silently accepting it.
Zhou Bin seemed to regard Jiang Yuqian as an information relay station between him and Nie Qingzhou, and this information relay station was truly able to extrapolate and operate with dedication.
Jiang Yuqian got on good terms with a few of Zhou Bin’s colleagues at the company and told them that something had happened in Zhou Bin's family and that he was in a bad mood. These colleagues expressed their understanding and also kept her updated on Zhou Bin’s situation at work. Although Zhou Bin's temper had become irritable and he had argued with his colleagues and superiors several times, he still did the work that needed to be done—although the speed was a bit slower and there were some minor mishaps. Previously, Zhou Bin had been heavily exploited at the company, but now the new Zhou Bin was very tough, and his work environment had actually improved.
In Nie Qingzhou's view, this showed that Zhou Bin was adapting quite well, but based on his understanding of Zhou Bin, Zhou Bin should still be confused inside.
"Please sit in the living room for a while. I'll go wake Xia Yi up. We can have dinner soon." Nie Qingzhou said with a slight smile. He poured water for Zhou Bin, then walked to the bedroom, gently pushed the door open, went inside, and closed the door again.
Jiang Yuqian smiled like an aunt.
After Nie Qingzhou left, Zhou Bin's tension eased somewhat. He aimlessly wandered around the room, his eyes scanning every corner.
He had only stayed in this place for an afternoon before Jiang Yuqian took him back to his 'home'. This place was still very unfamiliar to him. The person who had lived his life for ten years now lived in a warm and tidy house filled with books and even a piano. There were no traces of his existence in this life anymore.
He often felt unwilling. They had both swapped bodies, so why was this person's influence on him significantly greater than his influence on this person? He couldn't get angry at Jiang Yuqian, and he couldn't slack off on the work she gave him. The more he used the original owner's memories to complete his work and receive praise, the more he felt like he was stealing someone else's things, and he felt uncomfortable all over.
Zhou Bin's gaze fell on the photos and gradually merged into a clear image—it was a photo of 'Nie Qingzhou' in his high school uniform with his parents.
Zhou Bin was stunned. The person in the photo was the self he knew best. His bone structure and facial features were still those of a teenager, but he had a calm look on his face. His gaze landed on the photos in the display cabinet. The images in there were blurry to him, so he leaned in. The blur resolved into a gentle, composed smile—one that had never appeared on his own face.
He took the photo down from the cabinet, holding it very close to his eyes. The unfamiliar soul and the familiar body were fused together, and he had become a strange bystander.
Every morning when he woke up, he still couldn't get used to his current face, and often wondered if it was just a dream and he would wake up in Changchuan's bed at home, back in his high school days.
But as soon as this thought arose, he began to wonder if he really wanted to go back. What would he do if he went back? No one needed him back there. He had so much more now than he had before.
This photo seemed to be reminding him that someone else had already spent his high school years for him, someone else had made his parents proud. This person had also stolen his life, stolen his parents. They were both thieves. But he couldn't think of anything that made his life more valuable than this person's life. He felt like he was the one who had stolen more.
This idea was unpleasant.
The door opened, and Nie Qingzhou and Xia Yi came out of the room one after another. Xia Yi was wearing a light purple sweater, her hair loosely tied behind her head. Her dark eyes paused on him for a few seconds, and she nodded to greet him. "Hello."
Zhou Bin stared at her stiffly. This Xia Yi was very different from the one in his memory. He still couldn't get used to it.
This dinner party completely became Jiang Yuqian's stage. She happily pestered Nie Qingzhou and Xia Yi, asking them all sorts of questions, and also pulled Zhou Bin into the conversation. Xia Yi and Zhou Bin didn't say much, but they said a few words here and there, so it wasn't too awkward.
Zhou Bin felt that Nie Qingzhou wanted to talk to him, but unfortunately, he didn't want to talk to Nie Qingzhou. He was very resistant to communicating with Nie Qingzhou because of a subtle sense of anxiety and resentment. On the other hand, this house was occupied by the only three people in the world who knew his identity. This feeling, similar to being in a harbor, prevented him from fiercely confronting Nie Qingzhou.
He didn't know how long he would be so conflicted. He wanted to know how much time Nie Qingzhou had spent accepting this, but he didn't ask.
The huge influence Nie Qingzhou had on him caused his resentment to erupt with great force before it had time to fade away.
One day, Zhou Bin opened a news page and immediately saw a headline 'Qingzhou School Bullying' pinned to the top, generating massive attention. The article stated that a middle school classmate of the writer Qingzhou had posted online, accusing him of bullying him in middle school, and had posted their class photo and the school's handling of the matter at the time, etc., and said that Qingzhou was a hooligan who swore and fought everywhere. He said that Qingzhou’s warm and friendly appearance on TV shows was all just an act.
Zhou Bin looked at the overwhelming accusations and arguments in the news, and his fists clenched involuntarily. He had never seen the scale of an online flame war before, and his heart was filled with anger and fear.
Nie Qingzhou contacted Zhou Bin the afternoon the news broke. He said concisely that he had contacted the middle school classmate who had broken the news and was going to meet with the person involved that afternoon to talk in person, and hoped that Zhou Bin would go with him. Although Zhou Bin was reluctant, he agreed.
On the way, he asked Nie Qingzhou, "What are you planning to do?"
"Apologize first. After all, he's not lying. You really did those things to him." Nie Qingzhou replied.
Zhou Bin snorted coldly, then pursed his lips and looked out the window. "Don't expect me to apologize to him."
Nie Qingzhou glanced at him and said nothing.
For Zhou Bin, he had only graduated from middle school a few months ago, and he was still very familiar with this classmate surnamed Sun. But these suddenly added ten years had made everything unfamiliar. Sun Wei was six or seven centimeters taller and more muscular than before. He was wearing a suit and tie, looking like a mature businessman.
That maturity and composure crumbled the moment he saw Nie Qingzhou. Sun Xiao revealed an angry and resentful expression, so agitated that his lips began to tremble.
Nie Qingzhou looked at him calmly and called out his name as if confirming it, "Sun Xiao?"
Sun Xiao snorted coldly and mocked, "Don't you recognize me? In middle school, you told people to beat me up, stepped on my face, poured ink into my water, and tore up my test papers and homework. Have you forgotten all that? That's right, perpetrators always forget the evil they've done. You even dare to publish books and be a public figure. Do you really think you're innocent?"
Nie Qingzhou was silent for a while, then said, "I'm very sorry about the things you mentioned. I was young at the time, and I acted very impulsively."
Zhou Bin clenched his fists, lowered his head, and said nothing.
Sun Xiao sneered, his expression becoming more agitated. "Apologize? What's the use of apologizing? Does being young excuse everything? I've been living in your shadow for more than ten years. I still have PTSD. I’ve had depression. You ruined my life. What's the use of an apology? After you apologize, you'll go on to live your good life, hiding behind your polished writer persona, even liked by a bunch of fans—ugh! What makes you so special? Let me tell you, don't even think about trying to shut me up. I'm going to let everyone know your true colors!"
Zhou Bin slammed the table and tried to stand up, but Nie Qingzhou grabbed his arm and held him down on the sofa.
Nie Qingzhou gave a slight smile and said, “I didn’t come here to make you clarify anything for me or to silence you. I just came to tell you something.” He pulled Zhou Bin back into his seat, then took out his phone, pulled up a photo and handed the phone to show Sun Xiao.
"You went to Jialing Lane Elementary School, right?"
Sun Xiao looked at Nie Qingzhou warily. "How do you know?"
"In the first and second grades, there was a classmate in your class named Nie Xiaosong, who was always teased by you because he was dressed sloppily. You stole his clothes and stationery and threw them in the trash, and stuffed garbage into his school bag. One time after school, you kicked off his shoes and hid them, and he ended up walking home barefoot. Later, because of a fight with you, your parents came to the school and he was asked to transfer to another school."
Nie Qingzhou pointed at a scrawny boy in the class photo—his facial features faintly resembled Nie Qingzhou's current appearance.
Sun Xiao's eyes widened, as if he was gradually remembering something, his face full of disbelief.
"The fortune teller said that Nie Xiaosong was short of water in his five elements, so he changed his name. When you met him again, his name was Nie Qingzhou."
Nie Qingzhou looked at Sun Xiao's shocked expression for a moment. He caressed his teacup and said slowly, "It seems you're right. Perpetrators always forget the evil they've done."
Sun Xiao slowly raised his eyes, looking up and down at Nie Qingzhou, his eyes full of trembling, as if he didn't recognize the person in front of him.
Stammering, Sun Xiao said, “You’re… so you…”
Nie Qingzhou pushed up his glasses and said, "You didn't recognize me at the time, and I always thought you remembered me. So there's been some misunderstandings between us. I wasn't bullying you, but taking revenge on you."
Sun Xiao was stunned for a long time, looking at the photo and then at Nie Qingzhou, and said with difficulty, "But… in first and second grade, we were only seven years old. What did we know then? I was naughty and mischievous back then, but I'm not like that anymore! If you had told me directly at that time, I would have apologized—I would’ve made it up to you!”
The cheerful music in the café floated gently in the background, and the steam from the tea rose and dissipated in the sunlight. In that moment of silence, Nie Qingzhou looked into Sun Xiao’s eyes and said, word by word, "Naughty? Then I'll say that I was young and didn't know any better in middle school. I apologize to you. Why can't you accept it?"
Sun Xiao was stunned.
Nie Qingzhou leaned back on the sofa and said calmly, “You said that when you saw me on TV, you felt disbelief, pain, and anger. I actually understand that very well, because when I met you again in middle school, that’s exactly how I felt. I heard your family went through some misfortune, and then you turned over a new leaf—became a well-behaved student, careful with your words and actions, popular in class, and the teachers valued you."
"At that time, I couldn't understand either. How could someone like you, a guy who was a hundred times worse than me, become a good person and live a bright and glorious life? Why should I live in your shadow? I can never forget the humiliation I suffered from you. Your parents were so aggressive back then, while my grandfather had to bow and apologize to them in a humble manner. Why shouldn't you pay the price for what you did to me back then? I wanted to pull you down, to step on you in the mud, and make you pay the price. You don't deserve happiness."
Hatred is the most vital and destructive thing in the world. Like a tumor, it desperately absorbs all nutrients, growing larger and larger uncontrollably. Even a small resentment can grow into a monstrous hatred.
Nie Qingzhou put his arm on the table, leaned forward, and fluently and naturally spoke words of resentment that did not match his expression, creating an astonishing sense of oppression. Sun Xiao stared at him in shock.
Even in this absurd moment, all of Sun Xiao’s anger seemed to turn inward, like a sharp blade aimed at himself. He was utterly lost.
"You... you're not here to apologize to me today at all! What do you want to say? You want to say that I brought it on myself, right? You want me to go to the media and say that I bullied you first? Don't even think about it, Nie Qingzhou. Let me tell you, don't even think about it!" Sun Xiao roared.
Nie Qingzhou sized up Sun Xiao for a while and said faintly, "I just don't want to continue anymore. You should apologize to me, and I should apologize to you. I've done what I should do, but I don't have any expectations of you. What you do is up to you."
Nie Qingzhou turned to look at Zhou Bin and asked him, "Do you have anything you want to say?"
Zhou Bin silently looked at Sun Xiao. Sun Xiao warily looked at this unfamiliar, bespectacled, and very refined man in confusion. Zhou Bin moved his lips, then spat out two words, "Coward."
These two words seemed to be some kind of spell, summoning Sun Xiao's deep fear. Sun Xiao subconsciously shrank back, looking at him in terror.
Zhou Bin seemed to want to say something else, but in the end he just pursed his lips and didn't say another word.
Nie Qingzhou had already said everything he wanted to say, although he said it more gently, but nothing was omitted. For a moment, he saw himself in Nie Qingzhou. It seemed that Nie Qingzhou had really become him, the Nie Qingzhou who was bullied in elementary school and then bullied others in middle school.
He originally thought that he would feel happy and satisfied to see Sun Xiao in pain—fearful, and resentful. But listening to Nie Qingzhou and Sun Xiao talking about their endless, repetitive hatred, he suddenly felt that it was all meaningless. If he hadn’t swapped bodies, would he have spent his whole life locked in this cycle of hate and conflict?
If all of this hadn't happened, would he have grown into this kind of Nie Qingzhou at the age of twenty-six? Would he have been able to face Sun Xiao so calmly and apologize as if he forgave the other person? Probably not, not in a lifetime.
It started to rain outside. Nie Qingzhou and Zhou Bin had already left the cafe. They stood under the eaves of a shop along the street, waiting for the rain to stop.
Zhou Bin squatted on the ground, silently watching the puddles that were constantly being created by the rain. He said in a low voice, "What are you going to do in the future?"
After a pause, he said, "Don't admit it. Anyway, it wasn't you who did it. You guys in the entertainment industry always have some connections. You can always cover it up, right?"
Nie Qingzhou glanced at this person. In this mature man's body, there seemed to be an awkward teenage figure with blond hair and a slender frame.
So Nie Qingzhou chuckled, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and looked up at the curtain of rain falling from the eaves. “Back in middle school, you were a real big shot. After this incident, something else will happen sooner or later. But I never really wanted to be in the entertainment industry anyway. Maybe this is a good chance to quit quietly and go write my books in peace.”
Zhou Bin turned his head and looked at him sideways.
"You don't want your reputation anymore?"
Nie Qingzhou squatted down next to Zhou Bin and said with a smile, "What reputation? Do you mean the bestselling author Qingzhou, or the 'Nie Qingzhou' who has a good personality, good looks, and a sweet love life? If it's the latter, that kind of reputation constructed through the distant internet is probably a projection of social trends, values, and people's emotions. It's full of misunderstandings anyway. Whether it's perfect or ugly, it's not the real, complete me."
"Of course, if it's the former, I'm also very self-aware." Nie Qingzhou thought for a while, then tilted his head and asked Zhou Bin, "Have you ever heard of Madame Cottin?"
Zhou Bin frowned. He couldn't even find this person in the original owner's memory, so he shook his head hesitantly.
"She's a character mentioned by Hugo in the chapter '1817' of Les Misérables. In that chapter, he lists the major events that happened in 1817, and he says that Madame Cottin was hailed as the leading writer at that time. However, I searched for a long time afterwards and couldn't find any other information about this 'Madame Cottin'. She was quietly buried by time. Then I realized… maybe the greatest success I could achieve would still fall short of that of 'Madame Cottin'.”
Nie Qingzhou spoke about it casually. He rested his arm on his knee while the rain from the eaves continued to fall, making a soft, rhythmic backdrop of dripping sounds.
"Someone who received such high praise at the time will still be forgotten, let alone me. I've found joy and recognition in writing, but I don't think what I write has the value to be passed down through the ages. It may only briefly move a small group of people, and then fade into obscurity as time passes. This is the ultimate fate of the writer 'Qingzhou's' reputation. I will eventually be ground into powder by time and forgotten by everyone."
"So, the people who truly matter in this world are those with whom we share this fleeting life—those who perceive us, understand us, and remember us. There aren't many people like that."
Zhou Bin was silent for a long time, then muttered, “Why do I feel like... you're not quite the same as the you in my memory."
The person he remembered—his original self—was like a character from his favorite movie: someone living in quiet despair, always on the verge of speaking yet holding back. Hesitant and sensitive, too soft-hearted, not good at saying no, and used to living for other people's expectations.
Nie Qingzhou smiled and said seriously, "After all, it's been ten years since the person in your memory. And you've changed me. In these ten years, you've helped me to accept myself and gave me the courage to be hated. So I hope that my memories and my life can help you too—help you find happiness.”
The sound of a car horn came, and Nie Qingzhou looked up. He smiled, patted Zhou Bin on the shoulder, and stood up.
"Let's go."
Zhou Bin stood as well. He watched as the black nanny van pulled up in front of them. When Nie Qingzhou opened the car door, Zhou Bin saw the beautiful girl sitting inside, dressed in a white sweater, with calm and serene eyes. She was looking at Nie Qingzhou with a gentle and stable gaze that was rarely seen on her.
The people who truly matter in this world are those with whom we share this fleeting life—those who perceive us, understand us, and remember us. There aren't many people like that.
That sentence echoed in Zhou Bin's mind.
He thought that the reason why Nie Qingzhou could be so calm and powerful was because he had already found that person.
[END]
Author's Note:
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still inside them - Dead Poets Society
Ah, I finally finished the side story on my birthday! Although there are still many small topics I want to discuss, I'll put them in the postscript!
I didn't expect that three side stories could take almost a month to write. As soon as I finished the main text, all sorts of plot points for the next book started popping into my head, and I couldn't pull them back...
All the extra chapters are over now, and I can finally put a real end to it. I still want to say that when I was writing this book, this book brought me a lot of warmth, and I hope it’s been a warm read for you too. Thank you for your company~
Postscript
Finally, it's time to write the postscript! On the third day after finishing the extras, I tested positive for COVID. How can I put it... it knew to wait until I finished writing before testing positive. What a considerate virus. I've recovered pretty much now, so I can't procrastinate any longer. I'm rolling up my sleeves to write the postscript.
This book was written from April to December—nine months in total. It started serialization in June, and ran for six months. Thank you all for accompanying me through it!
First, the abandoned clips of the regular program:
(Narrator) I really envy those who can easily say "I love you". They just haven’t met someone too precious to lose. Losing love is a small thing compared to losing that person.
(Xia Yi’s self-narration) She was giving up on someone she had made a wish for when she was seventeen that he would never leave her.
(Description of the former Zhou Bin) He seemed to have a shell. He could take it off at any time to show his sharp edges, and he could hide in that safe shell at any time. He was a cowardly person. He pulled out his own thorns and safely hid in his shell in the calm sea.
(Description of Xia Yi) From the day she left him, she had been in a long-term confrontation with herself.
(Nie Qingzhou's self-narration) Sometimes, he couldn't help but think: if the whole world thought that he and she were together, it was only natural they should fall in love.
But they didn’t. They were inseparable, and maybe they did love each other.
It's just that their love didn't get a good opportunity to reach each other.
(Xia Yi's self-narration) She wanted to love him.
She said she wanted to love him, not that she loved him.
Because she was just thinking, if he didn't want it, then she could choose not to want it either.
But if she truly loved him, it wouldn’t be so easy to take it back.
(When Zhou Bin wondered why Nie Qingzhou didn't use the convenience of time travel to make a lot of money)
Nie Qingzhou: "I think it's a disaster if people easily obtain benefits that exceed their ability to bear. The huge wealth that is easily obtained can change a person. I don't believe in human nature, and I don't believe that my human nature is superior to others."
(Nie Qingzhou said to Zhou Bin)
When my high school classmates were afraid of failing the college entrance examination and not being able to get into a good university, I already knew that I would get into a famous school; when my university classmates were afraid of not being able to find an ideal job, I already knew that I could make a living by doing what I loved; when I lost contact with Xia Yi, I already knew that we would eventually reunite. I have already avoided a lot of anxiety and confusion about the unknown because of you. Now I should face the storms of life myself.
Okay, that's it!
Before writing any book in recent years, I usually set a tone for it in my mind. For this one, I wanted to write about love that supports each other and lasts for a long time. Sure, in real life, many relationships start simply from a feeling. But I believe that when it reaches the point of “it can only be you,” there must always be something special behind it.
In my previous books, this reason may have been more that the male and female protagonists had very special personalities, unique in the world, and only they could accompany and understand each other. This time, although Nie Qingzhou and Xia Yi are also very special people, their love comes more from daily interactions and the little things they do to support each other.
I wanted to try to describe this kind of long-lasting relationship, because the time spent together made each other special to the point of being irreplaceable. On the other hand, I also wanted to write about some of the problems of youth and growth that I’ve felt personally or seen in others. Nie Qingzhou's life as Zhou Bin before time travel came partly from me and my high school classmates.
We are a group of students who are "smart" in societal standards. From a young age, we succeeded within a system built around competition—tests, academics—and after passing layer upon layer of selection, we ended up in a place full of “winners"—and then became mediocre people in that place.
My high school is a school similar to "Zhengyi" in the book, so I was fortunate enough to fall into this situation in high school.
The essays and novels that Xiaozhou wrote in this book are all articles I wrote in high school. To be honest, the level of such articles is just average among the students in our school. Everyone's articles were really good. I often read the exam essays they wrote and marveled at them. I also used to curl up in bed at night and read fan fiction written by my classmates and be moved to tears, thinking that if only I could write such articles.
Not only in essays, but also in terms of grades, talents, and social skills, my classmates were all very good. I used to feel both proud and inferior at the same time, trapped in anxiety and insecurity, unable to see any real value in myself. At this time, instead of thinking about dreams, I thought more about what I had to do to seem more excellent. Later, I left my high school environment, and when I looked back, I found that those classmates I once looked up to were actually the same as me. They also looked up to higher people, and even sometimes looked up to me, and were as proud and inferior, anxious and uneasy as I was.
I slowly realized that pursuing excellence is like chasing money and power, there is no end. Wanting to always win in competition is often very painful. People are extremely afraid of failure, afraid to try, become utilitarian, lose what they really want, and lose themselves.
I don't want to live like this, and I don't want my classmates to be like this either. I hope that these people, who are still the most talented people I have ever seen, can be happy.
In this world, there's really no such thing as a reputation that must be fought for at all costs, or a battle that must be won no matter what. It's not only those who come out on top in competition who are valuable. What you love, what you feel happy about, and what you think is worthwhile is what holds value. It's great to have dreams, of course, but it's okay if you don't have them. As long as there is something you love, something that cannot be given up or sacrificed, that weight alone can suppress a lot of anxiety and unease.
Life is long, and winning and losing are common. Until the end comes, relax and walk as happily as possible. In the book, Nie Qingzhou became a famous writer and Xia Yi became a singer. But I believe that even if they had chosen other professions, treating these things as lifelong interests, they still would have been very happy.
Being seen and appreciated is certainly joyful, but the core of that joy lies in the love itself.
I didn't want the discussion of these issues to be too depressing and ruin the warmth of this book, so I only used it as a layer of background in the story. So this is a somewhat utopian, beautiful story.
In this utopia, Xia Xia is probably the person I envy the most. She is a true genius—the kind of genius who, even when reaching the very top of the world, still wouldn't hit a ceiling. She is strong inside, and she will do what she thinks is right, regardless of other people's attitudes and evaluations. She is pure and persistent, and has a kind of clumsy gentleness.
After finishing this book, I occasionally listened to a concert by the band One Ok Rock and an orchestra. I really like the voice of this lead singer. When I heard his clear voice in my headphones, supported by the band's playing and the orchestra, I was moved almost to tears. I didn’t even understand what he was singing about—I just felt the voice was beautiful. At that moment, I thought, If I had heard this earlier, I could’ve written this feeling into the story. When Xia Xia's voice is heard, I imagine many people would also be mesmerized by the pure beauty of it.
Another idealized aspect of Xia Xia is her illness. My relative once suffered from mental illness and then recovered. I experienced that time firsthand. This disease is torturous and embarrassing for both the patient and the patient's family. If I wrote it in detail, it would be depressing and cruel, so I just glossed over it.
Writing books is like being stuck inside a walled city. After writing something grand and dramatic, I want to write something gentle and warm; after writing something gentle and warm, I crave to write something grand and dramatic again. This is probably because a book takes too long to write, so I always get tired of writing. And because I was tired of writing towards the end, the later parts are not as good as the earlier parts. I kept telling myself not to rush and to take my time. I did manage to hold back a little, but not entirely. The fatigue is probably hard to hide. It’s really a problem I need to think seriously about how to solve.
All the great writers who write six or seven hundred thousand words or even a million of words, you are really gods. Can humans really do that! (Plop)
The next book should be The Nightmare Master. After finishing a warm and plain one, I’m ready to take on something sweeping and intense again. The inspiration for this one… thinking back, it actually came from some cyber-ancient-style images? I suddenly really wanted an ancient female lead with cool crystal glasses. So the female lead, Ye Minwei, is a Taoist scientist, so obsessed with her research that she became nearsighted. The male lead is a folk artist (not really) named Wen Ci, a Dream Weaver who made her a pair of crystal glasses (that’s the current setup). This time, the names are kind of ironic: the female lead is called “Minwei” (meaning “compassionate and gentle”), but she has no compassion; the male lead is called “Wen Ci” (meaning “warm speech”), but he’s terrible at talking. Perfect match, honestly.
Last year, some controversies happened around me, and everyone had their own conclusions. I thought it over and realized that no matter what I say, it probably won’t change anyone’s opinion. Worse, it might just lead to new misunderstandings and rumors. Plus, I’m the ultimate conflict-avoidant person… I have a strong feeling that if I start talking, it’ll become an endless cycle of self-justification, and that’s a burden I can’t handle. So, better not open that door. I’ll likely be using Weibo much less from now on—only posting for key updates or announcements.
When I was writing God Says, my family had been complaining about my health for a long time, so now I plan to properly rest for a while and get my fragile neck and spine checked out. I plan to write the next book slowly, taking my time to stock up well. Even if I start writing, it probably won’t be until the second half of the year.
Wishing everyone a happy new year—may you be healthy, safe, well-fed, and free of worries. I hope we can meet again in the next book~~ 💫